Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
