I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
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im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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