I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
