that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
