I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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