im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
How does one acquire holy water?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
