Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she told me i tasted like america
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
