So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
