My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
