Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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