Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
