ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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