Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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