so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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