I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
