Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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