Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
