Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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