I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
