The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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