At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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