I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
