a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
