Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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