the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
