I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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