oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
