I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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