Ambien. No doubt about it.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
