meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
