nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
