thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
