dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
i think my cat just said my name.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
