if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i think i have herpe
just one?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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