I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
