Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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