dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
there's paper in my vomit.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
