fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
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I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
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There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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