I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
