Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
