Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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