I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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