I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
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