Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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