this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
