If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Let's paint friendship bongs
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
