Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
