If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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