Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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