Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
