in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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