You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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