I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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