Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
