Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
