It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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