my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
